lessons from Sarge.

As I’m writing this, I’m not even sure if I’m going to share this or not, but in a way I feel called to share this. It’s not something I often see talked about in the space of growth, mindset, or anything really.

Almost three years ago, I launched my first podcast show the very same day I had to say goodbye to my best friend, Dixie. It was a weird time — on one hand I was completely shattered, and on the other, I was seeing one of my true dreams come to life. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I probably would have done things differently. However, at the time, my work was my saving grace, it was cathartic, and exactly what I needed.

And… that’s why I am typing this out to you now. Yesterday, we had to make a hard, such a hard and difficult decision to let our old man, Sarge, go. There are no words to describe the pain I am feeling right now — it’s a myriad of emotions that all come rushing in at once, leave, and flood back in again. A weird sense of peace, acceptance, coupled with devastating grief, anger, sadness, loneliness, and emptiness.

I know these emotions take time, and grief never really goes away — I still have a hard time talking about my pets and family that we’ve lost along the way. In the midst of these emotions, I felt a nudge though to share this with you.

Learning how to do life while juggling… life, is a weird, weird dance. No one can give you the blueprint, only advice, but in the end you realize we are all figuring it out as we go. As someone who consumes every piece of information she can on being better, stronger, more confident, more in tune with herself, whatever it may be — none of it matters when it comes to real life happening in the moment.

I found myself after breaking down for the umpteenth time asking “How am I supposed to focus on helping others and working towards my goals in the midst of this? I barely feel like getting out of bed.”

It was this weird sense of obligation, of if I don’t show up, I’m going to fail, I’m already behind, etc., and also like, if I do show up, how do I make this authentic? Logging on to riff about confidence or empowerment when I feel like an absolute heartbroken and shattered mess didn’t feel aligned, but not doing something didn’t feel aligned either.

So I have this to say to you…

You’re not doing anything wrong just because you are living your own life and experiencing it in the way you are experiencing it. Everyone, I mean literally everyone, handles things so much differently. We live in a world where we get to control how others see us — we are taught to be more aware of how others may think of us and adjust accordingly, than we are to be in tune with who we are, what we want, and even how we are feeling. We don’t really have that moment to decide how we feel about something, because we are bombarded with opinions everywhere on how to do things, even grieve.

Life is hard — obviously, I believe in perspectives and that we can choose how things go for us, but this also means accepting the things we can’t control, you know?

It’s hard when you’re trying to earn a degree while navigating a chaotic family life, social life, and whatever else.

It’s hard trying to balance family when you’re navigating your career, your own health, your friends, and whatever.

This shit is hard. And it’s not because of YOU… it’s because it’s life. And that’s the journey we are meant to be on. Our souls came here to learn things, to grow, and to go through things — the challenges we are brought, they are things we get to learn from and grow from. It may not seem so in the moment, and perhaps this is even tone deaf to say so I will only speak from my personal experience.

As I was reflecting on life with Sarge and what he taught me in my season of life…

I realized he showed me how to love and accept me for me. He loved me in the darkest of moments that I would never want the world to know — when I couldn’t love myself, he loved me for me. He forgave me, he showed me compassion.

He gave me a reason to get up every day — I can confidently say, I’m not sure I’d be here if it weren’t for him. Many days, he was my only reason, the only reason. The amount of love I held for him is incomprehensible even for me now — it’s not something you can describe until or unless you’ve felt it.

As I’m grieving him… something that came through for me a lot is regret. That’s just human nature right? It’s all hindsight, what we wish we could have done better, what we feel guilty over, all of the things.

The biggest thing for me is…

Slow the f*ck down.

I’ve been living in a constant state of ‘catching up’ — feeling like I’m always behind. Waking up behind the ball, chasing it to get caught up, feeling completely defeated when yet another thing doesn’t go as planned and knocks the whole day off, just to say tomorrow will be better, and repeat.

It’s exhausting, overwhelming, and frankly it’s impossible to live life like this.

This realization came to me when I grabbed a blanket and sat in our backyard, with our newly sort of adopted outdoor cat who befriended Sarge about a year ago. I was sitting there crying, petting him and just… being sad, when I realized how guilty I felt over not taking the time to sit outside with Sarge more.

Life happens, and we rush — there were days I felt behind that felt jeopardized because Sarge wanted to sunbathe for a few more minutes, and… he absolutely could have. Work could wait, life could wait, my own laziness or just blah-ness could wait…

Or when he wanted some extra love, or couldn’t get settled so was velcroid to my side.

As I write this, I want you to know this is not for pity, for anything other than this lesson —

Slow. Down.

Obligations aren’t going anywhere. You aren’t a failure because you don’t get your workout in, can’t seem to wake up on time, maintain that perfect morning routine, because it’s 3 p.m. and you still haven’t showered or done half of what you intended to do.

You don’t suck because you can’t seem to keep up, and you won’t remember the days that you do.

You won’t remember the days that you were the perfect picture of an ambitious, has her shit together woman.

You will remember the days when you said f*ck it, through your hair up in a bun and went to do things with your sister.

Or took an extra 10–15 minutes on your break with your dog hoping no one would notice.

Or skipped your workout to lay in bed eating all of the things with your fiancé, best friend, or even just yourself.

You’ll remember the nights you took a chance or were care free if only for the moment.

And you might end up remembering the nights, the days, the moments, you didn’t, like I am right now.

I want this to be positive, as that’s the only way I could repay a soul that saved mine — to learn, grow, and try to be better.

To be better about slowing down,

to being more present,

to laughing when you wake up late again instead of being so damn critical,

to taking time with the ones that matter, knowing the ‘things’ can wait,

to write, sing, dance, play the game, create, be a teacher, professor, researcher, whatever it is, because you love it, and f*ck what anyone thinks or says (promise they’re not saying it anyways — people wnat to love and support you — let them)

And just to be here, now, in this moment.

To look around at your life, whether it feels perfect or like an absolute mess, and just… breathe.

Breathe it all in, accept it as it is — accept that you feel on top of the world or like a hot mess, or disappointed in yourself or not…

Breathe.

Be here.

Commit to whatever feels right in the moment, and give yourself space to grow, evolved, ‘mess up, be messy, know the falls will come, along the rises,

and none of it means anything about who you are as a person.

Because your existence is simply enough, it’s worthy, and it can’t be defined by a job, a moment, the money in your account, whatever it may be.

It’s defined by you, and it’s enough.

I love you. I hope this helps you pause and take a moment to focus on what feels important, and to maybe not take life so seriously. I’ll work on doing that too.

xoxo, love,

Blake.