the story of not being enough. (part one)
Hi loves.
Today is a different kind of post than what I usually write, and more vulnerable than usual too. This came through to me during my morning journaling and I felt called to share my story with you on identifying my core story of not being enough, and ways that I have overcome that (and am still overcoming it.)
Feelings of not being enough are simply not true. Yet no matter how many times I tell you that, your friends, loved ones, anyone tells you that — you will never believe them until you decide to believe it for yourself.
The Universe herself could have come down & told me I was worthy, that my dreams were valid, and I still wouldn’t have believe it….
One day I was doing a Peloton class and I had a vision that was SO vivid, I immediately hopped off my bike and in my sweaty mess, started writing, journaling, and creating.
This vision was so powerful and unlike anything I had experienced. It was a vision of creating a company that focuses on female empowerment and was international. Making resources available to women everywhere to feel empowered in themselves, their purpose, their spirit, and truly be THEM in every way possible. And the vision was so big that it’s hard to wrap my mind around — a vision of women helping others, this fierce, fiery, driven community where we love one another, uplift one another, carry each other, and more. A community that has resources available like therapy, donations, and more. A company that of course makes money, because money is power to get things done, but accessible to those who may not be there. Accessibility is the goal.
And…immediately after I wrote all of this down, the doubts creeped in, and I found myself asking for a sign. Of course, my phone lit up (I think, or maybe I checked it out of habit) and the clock read 333. For fun, I looked up the meaning of 333 and it had something to do with finding your new path and reassurance from your guides.
Yet…that wasn’t enough. And then I asked myself…when WOULD it be enough?
How many signs would it take for me to believe in myself? In my dreams? In my purpose? Would I need the Universe herself to come down and tell me “Blake, you are meant to be doing this?” be enough?
No..it wouldn’t.
That was such a profound realization for me…that even the highest power in the land could come down and say yes, but that didn’t even matter because…
I had to say yes to myself first. I had to believe in myself first. I had to choose and believe I knew I was worthy.
There are so many resources out that intended to help you feel empowered and to know you are worthy…and yet, many don’t talk about the hard parts of it.
The constant doubt, the wondering if you’re crazy or if these things are true, if you’re just kidding yourself, if it’s really just time to grow up and realize these things are real/meant to be…
The sometimes ugly truth of confidence.
One of the hardest years of my life started off with finally seeking out therapy and starting to work on my internal world — diving into the really deep sh*t I was avoiding (without knowing I was avoiding it.)
Through therapy I identified what my therapist referred to as a core story — not being good enough.
It still stings to even type that out, because it’s such a deeply embedded belief and takes constant work to overcome.
Once that story was identified, I saw this everywhere in life. I was constantly operating in a story of not being enough– I wasn’t working hard enough (even though I am a top performer), I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t doing enough, working out enough, being spiritual enough, being a good daughter, sister, family member, friend, partner, good enough human.
Every action I took was rooted in this story of not being enough…
(this is a continuation of the post, the story of not being enough.)
I had to crack myself wide open in order to build a new foundation.
When you start to unwind the story of not being enough…wow. No one really can prepare you for it.
You are cracking yourself wide open, and starting to release an identity that you have known your entire life, and that sh*t is scary. It comes with tears, it comes with questioning, vulnerability, more self-doubt, and did I mention questioning everything you’ve ever known to be true?
Choosing to believe in yourself when you’ve spent your entire life looking outside of yourself for validation and that you are enough is freaking hard.
There is nothing wrong with you. When you start unloading these beliefs, the habits, the person you thought yourself to be and have known yourself to be…
You will have really amazing days where you’re on top of the world.
And days you don’t even know how you’re going to get out of bed.
All of these things make you human, and more than enough.
The days that you feel a lot of shame, frustration, maybe even self-hatred? You’re still worthy and more than enough on those days.
The days you question yourself the most? You’re still worthy and more than enough.
It’s looking in the mirror and literally saying to yourself
“I love you, and I know you are worthy. You are especially worthy of your own love, admiration, and adoration.”
And this is one of my most powerful practices — have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately, with love?
continue to part two: the mirror practice.
xoxo, blake.
